Brahmins Live Longer, Shudras Shorter

Brahmins are one of nature’s most fascinating, most bizarre, most diabolical creatures.

Obsessed with weird rituals, an abiding fondness for in-breeding, an unquenchable thirst for Cow-ca-Cola, a sneering contempt for eating meat and a diet limited to plant products, the scheming Brahmins are a tiny group geographically restricted to the barbarous land mass designated in atlases as India, the mountain nation of Nepal and parts of the New World a.k.a. United States (rumors of Brahmin sightings in New Zealand are increasing lately).

A Brahmin Diet – All Vegetables and No Meat

In lexicographic terms, a Shudra may be considered the antonym of Brahmin.

A numerically large group confined mostly to India, Shudras find it impossible to resist eating anything that moves, swims, crawls or flies.

All is grist to a Shudra stomach, badly starved as it often is of nutrients.

The endearing quality of Shudras is their enormous delight in life’s little blessings and how they live for the day.

Shudra Diet – Meat & More Meat

It would be no exaggeration to say that a sight of any non-human creature induces a Pavlovian fit of drooling in a Shudra.

The Kshatriya diet is similar to the Shudra meal except that the better-off Kshatriyas prefer meat not crawling with maggots. Alas, the economically distressed Shudra has not the luxury of choice!

For those not familiar with India, Kshatriyas are the equivalent of Bollywood’s Chulbul Pandey.

While the devilish Brahmins tend to think with their Chanakyan (vulpine) minds and the starving Shudras with their bellowing stomachs, the Kshatriya is mindful only of his iron hands and elephant-trunk sized legs. In the Kshatriya weltanschauung, all creatures, be they human, animal, amphibious or avian, exist only as prey for the exercise of his meat-fed six-pack muscles.

Now that you have an idea of India’s various communities and their dietary practices, let’s get to the meat of our subject.

Oh, wait! There’s one more group in India known as Vaishyas, a community where males are so obsessed with counting coins and notes they have no time for eating, drinking, screwing and sleeping, leaving their women folk prey to the repeated depredations of Brahmins, Kshatriyas and Shudras.

Longevity – Brahmin vs Shudra

Given my advanced perception skills, it has not escaped my attention that the fiendish Brahmins tend to live longer than Shudras and Kshatriyas.

I always suspected the key reason behind longevity of Brahmins vis-a-vis other Indian communities a.k.a. castes was their abhorrence of meat.

Now a new American study has confirmed my suspicion of why Brahmins outlive their Shudra, Kshatriya and Vaishya peers.

A study by Valter Longo and his associates finds that animal-derived proteins are associated with higher mortality rates.

People in the age group 50-65 consuming a high animal source protein diet were 74% likely to die sooner and at  four-times higher risk of dying from cancer than those who abstain from such a diet.

Longo is Director of the Longevity Institute, a Professor of Gerontology and Biological Sciences and the Edna Jones Chair of Biogerontology at the University of Southern California and so his findings cannot be easily dismissed.

The findings of Longo and his team were based on a study of 6,381 U.S. men and women aged 50 and above.

Here’s an extract from their study:

Cow – Pray or Chop?

Now I understand why Brahmins fall before the cow, pray to it and gulp down Cow-ca-Cola unlike the Shudras who fall upon the cow, chop it to pieces and feast on its meat.

In other words, my hypothesis on human longevity and meat consumption was correct after all.

The important takeaway from the Longo et al study is that while proteins matter, the source of proteins matters more if you want to live longer.

Other scientists concur with Longo’s findings.

According to Dr. David Katz, director of the Yale University Prevention Research Center:

Now keep in mind that research studies like the one done by Longo et al are complicated.

We know animal-derived proteins reduce life spans and heighten the risk of dying from cancer but do plant derived proteins increase the chances of living longer?

Here’s what the Longo study says:

Makes my head spin! Such “If, But” conclusions.

Live Longer

Idli, Vada, Sambar, Salad (Proteins from Plant Sources) – Live  Longer

Live Shorter

Chicken Dum Biryani (Proteins from Animal Sources) – Live Shorter

Starting today, I shall never look in the direction of Chicken Dum Biryani, Whopper Sandwich or McDonald’s Bacon Clubhouse Burger with anything but distaste.

You may count on me to confine my eating to Indian vegetarian delights like Navratan Korma, Idli-Vada with three Chutneys and Sambar, Bagara Baingan and Dum Aloo.