Bang Bang – Stupid Stupid

To refresh my memory, I borrowed Knight and Day from our local library and (re)watched it yesterday.

Unimpressive as Knight and Day is, the Hollywood film is a quadrillion times superior to its ugly Indian spawn Bang Bang that released in U.S. and Indian theatres today.

Tom Cruise has a beguiling charm that Hrithik Roshan will never possess and Cameron Diaz is by orders of magnitude a better actress than the British zombie Katrina Kaif.

Above all, there is a wit and sharpness in the Hollywood film’s writing that the pathetic Bollywood mutation is sorely wanting in.

Only in an incredibly stupid Bollywood ‘action’ movie will an undercover army officer/spy Vickie/Rajveer/Jai (Hrithik Roshan) on a special mission to nab dreaded terrorist Omar Zafar and avenge his brother’s murder launch into a silly song Tu Meri…Mein Tera mere minutes after meeting a girl (Katrna Kaif) for the first time (the scene at the Shimla restaurant).

Oh, My Sugar Daddy

Among the many horrors I encountered in Bang Bang – and with mucho difficulty endured –  what got my goat the most was Katrina Kaif’s godawful performance.

The British import has not one acting cell in her body.

Showing not a single spark of life, Katrina rigormortised her way through the entire film.

Even when lipsyncing and dancing on the street and inside the bank during the “Uff” song, this graceless creature showed no sign of life.

All comatose all the time.

If it were not for her Bollywood sugar daddies, Katrina Kaif would have been forced to walk her way back to London a decade ago.

Alas, London’s gain turned to be India’s loss.

Murder Most Foul

Bang Bang’s second heinous atrocity is the sophomoric story-line and vapid writing.

Absolutely no zing in the dialogs.

Bad as Knight and Day was, its screenplay made for at least a few interesting moments. Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz had a fair bit of chemistry and their attraction seemed so much more plausible.

Not for one moment did it seem like Hrithik lit an intense spark for Katrina or vice versa. Zilch.

Indian army officer Virender Nanda (Jimmy Shergill) is killed by dreaded terrorist Omar Zafar (Danny Denzongpa) in a ‘highly secure’ British cell just before extradition. After Omar’s men gun down British officers like insects, Interpol’s No-1 terrorist not only escapes but now develops a fancy for the Kohinoor diamond.

Vickie/Rajvinder/Jai ‘steals’ the Kohinoor as part of a joint Indian Secret Service-MI6 mission to bring down Omar Zafar, which he does but only after putting the audience through the wringer.

Bang Bang’s car and motor bike chases in Prague and Abu Dhabi and the stunts in the sea with the hovercraft were garden-variety, tiresome stuff. I’ll confess to being a trifle impressed with Hrithik’s leaping and vaulting stunts in the sea (using water jetpacks) as he takes down the bad elements shooting at him.

As with 90% of Bollywood films, Bang Bang’s music was all noise and no rhythm.

Hrithik Roshan?

I have mixed feelings here.

In some parts, the fellow was alright and in others intolerable.

Hrithik’s acting in the soft/romantic aspects were tolerable but his angry/violent moments seemed hopelessly amateurish.

But Hrithik can dance. Hey, is Hrithik the best dancer in Bollywood now?

Director Siddharth Anand has taken a Hollywood junk, smeared his unique brand of trash on it and turned it into an unwatchable emetic called Bang Bang.

Move along, guys.

Bang Bang is nothing to line up for.